Chapter X

Riley entered his office as quietly as possible Monday morning, but Xander spotted him the moment he walked in.

“Wow,” he exclaimed, “hate to see the other guy.”

Riley didn’t bother to reply, but went to his desk and sat down.  He couldn’t remember landing one punch on Angelus, which did nothing to improve his mood.

Xander, not picking up on Riley’s tension, blathered on, “It looks like what they say about two for one is true, huh?”

“What’s that?” Riley finally asked.

“That you get two black eyes for one broken nose,” Xander told him.  A closer look at Riley’s expression rather than the bruises decorating his face and Xander caught on he might be better off not pursuing that particular subject.  Xander was more than curious to know what and who had happened to Riley, but not brave enough to ask.

Riley turned back to his desk, not even bothering to answer.  Grabbing a sheaf of file folders, he absently thumbed through them.  Moments went by, but instead of working he was still staring at them blankly.  He couldn’t decide which angered him more, letting that psychotic asshole get the best of him or seeing Buffy protecting the cretin.  It disgusted him to think she preferred Angelus over him … and it hurt.  He really liked Buffy, liked her from the moment he saw her.  But no matter how hard he tried, she’d never given him a flicker of interest and it rankled, especially to be tossed over for the likes of that maniac.

He scowled at the manila covers still clutched in his hands.  Angelus had been the bane of his existence for far too long.  First his career, now his girl.  Finn shook his head.  They’d placed a madman in a position he should never have been allowed to fill.  Initially, Riley had been as shocked as everyone else when Liam Angelus lost it and ended up in a mental ward.  But seeing him later, once he was released and working again, Riley wondered why someone hadn’t discovered the truth about Angelus sooner.  Riley figured he must have really had everyone fooled for a long time.  Finn didn’t deny the man was brilliant, bordering on genius – but he was nuts.  Money got him in, no reason to think it wasn’t how Angelus got the promotion to head his own unit too.

He remembered when he had been assigned to Angelus’ section.  All the taciturn leader had to do was say something and it was done, no questions asked.  The veterans in the group treated Angelus like he was the head of the whole Bureau, not just their team.

It wasn’t that Riley couldn’t follow orders, he was well aware what would be expected of him and had always tried to be a team player.  The trouble was Liam Angelus.  The man was cold, merciless and unyielding.  He was a hard taskmaster, making every recruit give every fraction of strength and stamina he possessed without so much as a word of encouragement for one of them.  Angelus didn’t solicit any of the recruits’ advice or opinions for fresh, new ideas, a big mistake by Finn’s way of thinking.  He tried to approach his new superior several times and in every instance Angelus gave him that fathomless gaze, turning away from Riley without even speaking.

He wasn’t the only one put off by his chilly, impassive manner.  But the more seasoned agents assured the new men that once they were in the field they would find for themselves why the rest of the squad chose to ignore Angelus’ phlegmatic behavior.  They knew from experience that the tall, powerfully built senior agent had a mind that never stopped working, a mind that had kept all of his agents alive.  Theirs was the only crew that could claim that particular achievement.

Riley had loved the chance to work in the infamous FBI.  But the longer he was there, the more disenchanted he became with how things were done.  He knew he could do as good, even better a job than Liam Angelus.  Finn thought if he could show everyone how much he had to offer it would help him stand out.  He knew he could excel if he was only given the chance.  And he had thought the training exercise was the perfect opportunity.

The disturbing stab of guilt Riley felt angered him.  What did he have to feel guilty about?  He threw the files down he was holding with a loud slap, making his co-worker jump at the sound.  Not even noticing Xander’s reaction, he rubbed a hand across his forehead, trying to block out the day that had spelled the ruin of his career as an agent.  His gesture did little good.  The only thing that accomplished that feat was increasing amounts of liquid oblivion.  Even that only dulled it, smoothing the sharp edged memories that over time cut deeper and deeper into his conscience.  Glancing at the digital clock on his desk, he sighed despondently, there were hours to go before even that last resort was an option.

*****

Later that morning Xander happened to be in the break room with Riley when Angelus walked in.  He could feel Riley tense the moment the other man appeared.  Angelus never gave either of them a glance while he took his time pouring coffee into his cup.  He turned at the very last moment and shot what almost looked like a smirk in Finn’s direction, then leisurely walked back out of the room.  Xander heard the sound of breaking glass and looked over to see the mug Riley had been holding, lying in pieces against the wall.

*****

“Hello, Cordy,” Angel tried to keep his voice from betraying how utterly hopeless he really felt … and failed miserably.  Less than a week had gone by since he had thrown Finn out of Buffy’s apartment.  And since Angel had forced himself out of her life – again.  It was Wednesday night and he’d been dreading hearing the phone ring.  Cordy always called every other week without fail.  He'd managed to fend off her last call by telling her he didn't feel well that night.  It hadn't been a lie, he'd never felt worse, except maybe until now.  He wondered if he should just let the phone keep ringing when she called, but only for a moment.  Not picking it up would bring his sister pounding on his door in record time.  He certainly didn’t want to see her face to face.

“Angel?” Cordy hesitated.  In just two words she knew something had happened.  Her heart dropped a little.  He had sounded so … different … the last few months.  He was decidedly different now too, but not in a good way.  This wasn't even old Angel, this was worse.

“Yes?” ‘Damn,’ Angel cursed silently.  He wasn’t good at subterfuge, at least not with Cordelia, she knew him all to well.

“Is everything going okay?” she asked, knowing it was pointless getting him to really confide in her, but not having a lot of options.  She didn't ask if he'd really been sick, why bother?

“I have to go away,” he suddenly thought to tell her.  Anything to draw her away from probing too deeply.

“Away?” she echoed.  “Why?”  Angel never went anywhere anymore.  When he was in the field it wasn’t uncommon.  Who knew where he’d be from one week to the next.  But he always tried to let her know if he wouldn’t be there for her call so she wouldn’t worry.  Since he’d gotten the job in Analysis, whatever that was, he had never gone anywhere.

“They want to make a computer program about some of the work I’m involved in.  I have to go to share information they need to develop it,” he told her.  He didn’t want to go.  He didn’t care for computers invading what little space he had, but it was the ‘being gone’ part that really bothered him, which it shouldn’t.  It wasn’t like he had anything or anyone keeping him from going, he thought ruefully.

“Well, that’s a good thing, right?  I mean that they need you to help them with it?”  She didn’t know that much about what he did, other than it was totally boring.  Angel had a knack for boring.  He would sit with his nose deep in dusty books for hours.  A lot of his books weren't even in English, and not even interesting, like novels, let alone something with pictures.  No, his reading choices would invariably have facts, figures and no fun.  She was always a bit surprised he didn’t like computers, they were filled with that kind of stuff.

“Yeah,” he said without conviction, “so they tell me.”

“So, when do you go?  How long will you be gone?” Cordy questioned automatically.

“The end of this week, for two or three days, depending on how long it takes to get what they need,” he answered dispiritedly.

“Just you?” she asked, pressing a bit more, knowing it wasn’t the trip that had put such an ache in his voice.  “Doesn’t your co-worker have to be there too?”  Angel had only mentioned his officemate twice in other conversations, not realizing it until too late.  But just the way his voice caressed her name let Cordelia know exactly who had been behind his subtle, nevertheless amazing, transformation.  As she expected, she heard a painful intake of air at her questions.

“No,” he said, forcing a lightness into his voice he didn’t feel and doubted he would fool her with, “No one, but me, I’m the one who has all the theories.”

Taking one more direct shot Cordy said as lightly in return, “I thought you and what’s her name?  Buffy?  Thought that’s what she was there for too.”

“She has another assignment,” Angel answered a little too quickly, then tried to cover saying, “This isn’t the only thing she has to do.”

“Whatever,” Cordelia wisely decided to leave it at that.  She wasn't blind, deaf or dumb.  She was sure that wasn't all 'Buffy' was capable of doing either.  The name dropping, the lilt in his voice, the incredible slip he made accidentally spilling about Buffy's party invitation.  Cordy had almost bitten her tongue off hearing that one.  If Buffy was the one who had lifted him up, then only she could have caused what sounded like the painful fall he was now trying to hide.  And Cordy knew without a doubt that Angel wouldn't willingly tell his own sister a word about any of it.

But she had other sources of information that she knew would get her further than trying to drag it out of him.  “Sounds like one of those boring male weekend business things anyway,” she told him.  Cordelia was already making plans of her own.

“Look, Cordy,” Angel said, unable to deal with any more explanations, "I have things I need to do, research to take with me.”  He could make it true, he rationalized, without admitting he was lying to her.  “I’ll call you when I get back and let you know how it went.”

“Don’t let me keep you from the world of fascinating figures,” she snarked, knowing a falsehood when she heard one.

“Then we’ll talk in two weeks,” he finished, “Good night, Cordy.”  He sighed with relief as he placed the phone in its cradle.  He didn’t need any more questions from Cordelia, she already knew more than he probably cared to assume.  He loved her dearly, but she was overly concerned about his welfare.

Cordy didn't even offer him an argument, which if Angel hadn't been so preoccupied morosely thinking of Buffy, might have caused him to wonder why.  She drummed her perfectly manicured fingernails lightly on the polished wood table holding the phone as she told Angel goodbye.  Curious as she had been about what was going on with Angel and with whom, she'd tried to stay out of things, she really had.  But no more.  Cordy hung up the phone, only to pick it back up and dial quickly.  “Aunt Dee? Hi, how are you?”  After listening to her reply she went on, “I’m good too.  Look, is Uncle Daniel there?  I really need to talk to him.”

*****

Holtz wasn’t at all surprised when his wife called him to the phone, in fact, he’d been waiting for Cordelia to call.  There were some things in life that were a given – his wife still worrying about him and his job after all these years, his daughter, Harmony, preening in a mirror, his son, Spike, looking for money – and Cordelia Chase checking up on her brother.

Cordy may have changed her name for her ‘inevitable stardom’, as she called it, but she hadn’t changed how she doted over Liam Angelus one bit.  As Harmony’s best and still closest friend since early childhood, Cordelia knew the Holtz family and their home as well as her own.  Holtz looked on Cordy as a second daughter, admiring the fire of the brash, outspoken brunette.  She was also a constant reminder of the debt he felt he owed her older brother.  He was very fond of Cordy in her own right, but she also gave him a close link to Angel.

The agency head knew he was using his position to manipulate a situation that had nothing to do with business.  And yet, he also knew if it wasn't for that very job, he wouldn't feel a need to be involved in Angel's life at all.

Never in all the years Holtz had known him had Angelus found anyone or anything that seemed to give him any kind of happiness or contentment.  Not until Angel met Buffy Summers.  There weren’t very many things Holtz wasn’t aware of in the younger man's job or life.  After Holtz had witnessed how Angel and Buffy interacted with each other in their presentation, he had made it a point to find out all he could about their relations to date.

He heard about the thunderstorm that forced Buffy to go home early one day.  He knew the late hours the two officemates kept, preparing for their presentation.  He also knew they met outside of working hours in the gym and at a party.  Holtz had even heard about the very recent altercation with Riley Finn, the young recruit who stood on the brink of unemployment for his actions, both two years earlier and presently.

Daniel Holtz had a fairly shrewd idea of what brought the blooming relationship to a halt.  Angelus.  After years of watching over Angel, he was painfully aware of how low an opinion the stoic former agent had of himself.  Holtz, like Cordelia, thought Angel needed a little help that her brother wasn’t willing to give himself.

The elder FBI agent almost felt guilty using Cordelia.  He had ordered Walsh to set up an immediate training conference for Angelus to attend.  And he also told her to find an assignment that would keep Buffy Summers from accompanying her officemate.  He hoped a short absence and a little interference from Angel’s sister would improve the situation.  Holtz knew it was only a matter of time before his phone would ring.

“Cordy,” he greeted her when he took the phone from his wife, “what a pleasant surprise.”

*****

Buffy sat at her desk, forlornly holding her coffee mug with the big ‘B’ on it.  She pouted first at the mug, then his desk, her lower lip extending even further.  The space looked so big and empty without him to fill it.  Buffy missed Angel and he only left that morning.  Not that they were talking or even coming near one another.  It tore her apart every morning to see him.  But she knew it would be so much worse if he wasn’t there at all.  She was wrong, it was beyond worse, it topped anything she’d imagined.  He said he didn’t want her in his life, but she had held onto the comfort of his physical presence.  Now she didn’t even have that, at least for the next two or three days.  She had an irrational feeling of being robbed.  It was Friday.  Bad enough the weekend was starting, but she was being cheated, having to endure one extra day of no Angel.  And weekends weren’t something she looked forward to anymore.

Walsh had insisted that Angel attend a conference to try and translate his theories to a bunch of pencil-necked geeks.  Shortly after the presentation he and Buffy had done, they were informed of plans to extrapolate his theories in a computer program.  Angel told her at the time that he assumed they would both be requested to assist with the development.  He’d said it with a desperate tinge in his voice.  She knew how uncomfortable he would be being grilled about his work.  They both expected Buffy would fill the same role of translating Angel’s brilliance into mortalspeak.  While she supplied the computer assistance he needed, she was also the kind of mouthpiece for the duo.  But Walsh had made it clear Buffy was to stay behind.  Any computer work she usually performed for Angel could be handled by others attending the meeting.  Walsh had something else for Buffy to do.  She was assigned to work with Lindsey on a new case.

Angel hadn’t had much time to get acclimated to the idea of going, with or without her.  The date had been set up with amazing speed, considering the length of time anything of that nature usually took to plan.  To say Buffy was upset with Angel was an understatement.  But she loved him, that hadn’t changed.  And she was deeply concerned about him.  She worried how he’d handle the forced trip away from home.  She knew he was struggling with what lay between them as much as she was.  She hated to see him under any more pressure.  Mentally, he was strong, incredibly strong in some ways, which she was only too heartbreakingly aware.  But knowing he’d reached a breaking point at least once scared her, not knowing what might trigger a second.

Buffy traced the outline of the ‘B’ with her finger.  It was just a common everyday mug off the assembly line like any other.  But to her, it embodied the essence of her life.  Hard to live a full life with only a mug and a jacket for company.  ‘Great,’ she thought, ‘I’m making myself all weepy again.  I’ll have to drink more liquids just so I don’t dehydrate myself.’  She looked at her watch, which of course, had her eyes swimming in seconds, thinking of Angel gently grasping her wrist to peek at it.  She was so thankful when it was finally time for lunch.  She couldn’t eat anything if she tried, but she hated to be in the office … alone.

*****

Cordelia gave the guard a dazzling smile as he handed her the pass Uncle Daniel left for her at the gate.  She parked her car and walked in the entrance, realizing she had forgotten to ask for directions to Angel’s office.  She became aware of two pairs of eyes staring at her.  Both pairs belonged to men, which of course, didn’t surprise her at all.  A tall man with blonde hair and a shorter dark-haired man stood before her.

“Can I hold yo … I-I mean, can I help you?” the shorter of the two asked her.

Cordy laughed and replied teasingly, “Depends on which you plan on doing.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, flustered and trying to apologize, “I didn’t mean … I mean … I’m Xander.”

The larger man interrupted by smoothly stepping in front of the other saying, “I’m Riley, perhaps I can be of service, ma’am.”

Cordelia couldn’t help but notice the bruises on Riley’s face now that he was a bit closer.  “That looks like it had to hurt,” she couldn’t help saying.  Cordelia was nothing if not brutally blunt.

Riley reddened at her words and Xander used the opportunity to try his hand one more time.  “Are you looking for somewhere or someone in particular?” he asked as suavely as he could muster.

“Yes”, she told him, “I’m looking for Liam Angelus, do you know him?”  She wasn’t ready for the look of anger and sheer hatred she saw on Riley’s face, his hands flexing unconsciously upon hearing her brother’s name.  It wasn’t hard to figure out that might be where he got the battered makeover.

Xander glanced quickly at the man by his side, then waved his hand towards the hallway to his left saying, “He isn’t here, but his office is down the hall, third door on the right.  Can I get you some coffee or something?  Maybe leave him a message for you?” he asked, trying to ignore the tension that was palatable.

“No,” Cordy answered quickly, “Thanks, but no to the coffee and I can leave a message myself.  I appreciate your help, I think I can find my way from here.”

“Just a friendly word of warning,” Riley said in a low voice, before she could walk past them, “If I were you, I’d be glad he was gone.  Trust me, he’s not someone you want to get to know.”

“Who I get to know,” Cordy replied, her own voice firm and clear, “is entirely my decision.  But, in this case, I know him very well and there are few men who can hold a candle to him.”  With that she turned on her heel and walked down the hall without a backward glance at either of them.

*****

Buffy had taken her time and was late getting back to work.  Walking in the room her eyes widened in shock.  There was a very, very beautiful woman sitting in Angel’s chair … at Angel’s desk.  Buffy’s eyes went from open wide to narrow and green in nanoseconds.  She’d never asked him, but Buffy suddenly wondered about the other women in Angel’s life.  His one remark on the subject came back to haunt her; “I have actually seen a real live naked woman before.”  Funny she could remember something like that word for word.  She didn’t want to think about how many ‘real live naked’ ones he’d seen at all, especially if they looked anything like the high-priced whore sitting in front of her.  And okay, Buffy thought, she’d had relations with other men, but that wasn’t the point.  And there was a point in there somewhere.  In all honesty, another woman, as in other than herself, had never crossed her mind.  He told her he loved her and she loved him.  Other people had never figured into it after that.  Not until this very moment.

Buffy started, realizing she was staring at the woman with what had to be a wonderfully intelligent look.  One that probably equated her IQ rating around the same total as her age.

In the meantime, Cordelia was delighted.  She knew exactly what was running through the little blonde’s mind.  And she liked it.  Well, she liked the fact that the girl was jealous.  She hadn’t decided if she actually liked this Buffy chick.  It was definitely a mark in her favor that she reacted that quickly to the sight of an unknown woman in her brother’s chair.  Cordy thought a little possessiveness was a very good thing, or in this case evidently, a lot of it.

Moving towards her desk, Buffy never took her eyes off the obvious floozy.  Buffy had to admit she was beautiful.  Straight and tall, if she were standing, with long, flowing chestnut hair almost to her waist.  Her eyes, under exquisitely arched brows, were the same deep brown and they were gazing at Buffy in amusement.

“May I help you?” Buffy asked a bit frostily and not regretting it one bit.

“You might,” Cordelia answered without elaborating.

“Are you here to see An-Liam?” Buffy asked, immediately kicking herself for her usual slip with Angel’s name.  Just seeing the woman had unnerved Buffy more than she cared to admit.  And she didn’t like cat and mouse, especially when she was being cast as the rodent.

Cordelia caught the small lapse and intuitively knew the name she started to say hadn’t been ‘Angelus’ or she wouldn’t have stumbled over it.  Her own eyes widened a bit.  She knew her brother well and no one had called him ‘Angel’ in a very long time.  It didn’t seem likely he would have asked her to call him that.  Grudgingly, Cordelia had to give her another mark, regardless of how the girl had come to use his name.  As Cordelia turned to face her, something about the movement struck Buffy as intimately familiar.

“You’re Angel’s sister, Cordelia,” she said, without even being aware that this time she did use his nickname.  Now she could see the similarity between the siblings.  Amazing, Buffy thought, how the gene pool could be so generous to one family.

It was Cordelia’s turn to be caught off guard.  She wasn’t giving marks anymore.  It was more like ‘three strikes you’re out’ and the slender, golden-haired woman had bested her.  She was impressed, miffed, but impressed nonetheless.  If she was still grading her though, she could see why Angel had been attracted, even with his aversion to blondes.  She knew the quick intellect would be as big a draw to him, if not more, than her looks.  And she was already finding Buffy Summers to be one very quick little lady.  ‘Emphasis,’ Cordelia thought, openly eyeing the petite figure before her, ‘on little’.   She wasn’t sure yet about lady.

“Angel’s not here.  He’s at a confer …” Buffy trailed off only just realizing she’d used the familiar name not once, but twice.  And Cordelia didn’t seem surprised.

“I’m not here to see, Angel,” Cordelia purposely stressed. “I came here to meet you.”

“Me?  Why?” Buffy was dumbfounded.  A feeling she was already getting all too often around Angel’s sister.

“I wanted to see who he’s been talking about,” Cordelia replied honestly.

“He talks about me?” Buffy said in a tiny voice that immediately filled up with pain.

Cordelia saw the anguish reflected in Buffy’s eyes.  Her tone was an exact match to the misery Cordy had heard in Angel’s voice when she called him.  “Not in so many words.  He never uses more than he has to,” Cordy said a bit more softly.

Buffy told herself now was not the time to let go with the waterworks, especially in front of Angel’s sister.  But she didn’t get the message to her eyes in time and a few drops sneaked past her defenses.  “No, he’s the original ‘man of few words’,” she feebly joked.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, he let a few more slip out than he usually does.  More than he meant to, I’m sure,” Cordy told her.

“Is that why you wanted to see me?  Something that he said?” Buffy sniffled, grabbing a tissue from the box that had become an essential staple on her desk.  She dried her eyes, blew her nose and resolved no more crying in front of the relative of the man who had been her lover for a precious few hours.

“In a roundabout way, I suppose,” was Cordy’s answer.  “I love my brother very much.  He’s very important to me.  I don’t want to see him get hurt,” she added frankly.

Buffy felt her twenty-second resolution already wavering as she pulled the tissue box closer.  “I love him too,” she quietly admitted.  What was the point of trying to hide it when Cordelia already knew?  “I would never hurt him if I could help it.”  Buffy couldn’t stop her lip from quivering.

Cordelia felt herself softening even more.  She wasn’t even sure she liked Buffy, but there was no denying how the young woman felt about Angel.  Cordy thought she might be biased, but she could understand how someone could fall helplessly in love with her brother, with or without his help.  One look at Buffy Summers told her the feelings the two had for each other were very mutual and very deep.  And knowing her brother, it looked like he’d gotten on his white steed and ridden away to slay the dragon and left the damsel distressed.

Cordy was happy for Angel, even if he couldn’t see it … yet.  After all these years and all the pain she’d seen him in, she’d almost given up hope he’d ever find happiness.  He’d closed himself up and off for so long she had been afraid his castle keep was impregnable.  She didn’t know how Buffy got in, but she had to give her credit.  For Angel to finally find someone who had been able to climb into his ivy tower was amazing in itself.  The part about him jumping from said tower was classic Angel.  And she was damned if she was going to let him.  If Buffy needed help making her highly intelligent, dumbass brother see reason, Cordy would give her all the help she needed.

“Look,” Cordy said, “I don’t really want to talk about Angel here and I know you have work to do.  How about we meet for dinner?”

“Y-you call him Angel?” Buffy stared, shocked once more.

“I’ve been calling him that since I was born,” Cordelia said with a knowing smile. “So, dinner?”

Buffy agreed.  She was still trying to process Cordy’s last remark as they made plans to meet.  She watched her leave, wondering if Cordy could tell her anything that would help her with Angel.  She never gave a moment’s notice to what Cordy had thought of her.

*****

Cordy didn’t have any trouble following Buffy’s directions to the restaurant.  It was appropriately private.  The booths were deep with tall dividers between each one.  The lighting was fairly dim and the atmosphere subdued.  Once they ordered and the waitress brought their drinks, they settled back in their seats.  Cordy gave Buffy a long look.

“Buffy,” Cordy started, still looking at her intently, trying to gauge how much to tell her.  “I know you love Angel and I know he loves you.”  There was no doubt in Cordelia’s mind about the latter.  The pain in her brother’s voice that he futilely tried to hide had assured her of that.  Although Angel’s pain and his attempts to mask it and deal with it alone were things she had fought against for years.  Keeping her gaze locked on Buffy’s she added, “But things aren’t that easy with Angel.”

Buffy barked out a humorless laugh.  No, easy and Angel weren’t even on the same plane.  She waited for Cordelia to continue.

“Something happened to him a long time ago and he’s never gotten over it.  I don’t know if he ever will,” Cordy said slowly.

“I know something happened, Cordelia,” Buffy prompted her softly, “I know storms have something to do with it and I saw scars on his wrists …”  She looked at Cordy imploringly.

Cordy took a deep breath.  She didn’t want to break her brother’s confidence, but she didn’t want to see him alone for the rest of his life because she kept silent.  This was what she had come here to do and for him, by God, she would do it.  Fortifying herself with that thought, she finally shared with the woman across from her what had happened over two decades ago.

Buffy’s eyes widened in shock and only moments into the story, she felt the tears stinging behind her eyes.  She refused to let them fall.  She forced herself to remain sitting up straight while Cordelia’s words pierced her heart.  She was overwhelmed by the monstrous cruelty that had befallen her poor broken Angel.

Angel’s sister had just mentioned Spike’s name when the waitress came to serve them their dishes and refresh their drinks.  Both of them had gotten salads, neither even pretended to eat.

After the woman was gone Buffy caught Cordy’s eye, “Spike?”

“Spike was Dru’s older brother, he’s Angel’s age.  He was very close to his sister.  He blamed Angel for her death,” Cordy told her.

“But he was only eight years old!”  Buffy cried.  The tears she’d held back sprang to her eyes.  She looked over and saw the same thing in Cordy’s.

Cordy shrugged her shoulders helplessly, “Tell them that.  Neither of them has ever gotten over it,” she said.  “Angel crawled into his own little world, he hardly ever spoke, did everything he was told without arguing.  He spent almost all of his time hiding in his books.  My parents tried everything, took him to specialists, spent tons of money on therapy.  It seemed to make things worse instead of better, so they finally stopped.”

Buffy closed her eyes, leaning against the cushion behind her.  All she could see was a lost little boy … the same one she’d glimpsed the first time she ever laid eyes on him.

“When he got older,” Buffy heard Cordy go on, “he acted like he had gotten over it to some degree.  He wanted to be an FBI agent.  It was all he focused on.  He put everything he had into getting that job and he was damn good at it.  It was the best I’ve ever seen him.  I don’t think I’d call it happy, but he was proud of where he’d gotten.”

“W-wasn’t there ever anyone he cared about?” Buffy opened her eyes and asked haltingly.  She couldn’t help it, she had to know.

Cordy swirled the ice cubes in her drink, listening to them clink against the glass.  “He went out with girls.”  She felt Buffy’s eyes on her as she knew she they would be.  “But there was never anything serious, not one of them lasted more than a night or two.  I think even that stopped when he ended up in the hospital over two years ago.  Everything stopped.”

Buffy was so overwhelmed with what Cordelia was telling her she’d almost forgotten about his more recent past.  “What happened to him?” she asked.

“You might want to ask one of your agent buddies about that,” Cordy looked back at her.  “All I know is how he looked lying in that hospital bed.  It was days before he was lucid for even a few minutes.”  Cordy’s face had a tired, worn look mixed with anger.  “It broke him, took everything away.”  Buffy could see the tears standing in Cordy’s eyes again as she looked back at a memory.  She said in a voice so low Buffy had to strain to hear it, “I thought I was gonna lose him then.”

Buffy handed her some tissues from the box she now carried constantly.  She’d known they were going to need them.  “But he did get better,” she said, trying to make Cordy feel better.

“Pffft! Better!” Cordelia fumed, angrily swiping at her eyes, momentarily heedless of her makeup, “Do you know what it must have done to him not to be an agent anymore?  It’s all he ever wanted.  The only goal he ever allowed himself.  Now he’s cooped up in a room all day pushing papers.  But he does it.  He doesn’t have to work, he’s never had to do anything.  But he needs it.  He needs to stay busy, needs to do something he thinks makes him useful.  He doesn’t know how to do anything else because all he ever wanted was to be an agent.”

Buffy put her hand on Cordy’s arm.  She didn’t know her at all, but she could feel Cordelia’s love for Angel.  It was good to know someone else had been there for him.  “He’s good at other things too.  Angel’s the only one who can do the job he has in the FBI,” Buffy told her proudly, in some small way trying to comfort her.  “He’s still important to them.”  Her eyes drifted blindly on a point somewhere behind Cordelia’s head.  “He’s important to me.  If he’d stayed an agent I might never have met him,” she said, thinking out loud.

Cordy watched the emotions play across Buffy’s face.  She could see how much Angel meant to her.  Angel needed someone like her, someone who could appreciate him just as he was.  She hoped Buffy was strong enough for both of them because she knew how stubborn her brother was.  Buffy had broken through walls Cordy thought were so thick no one would ever find him.  Even with the love he had to see in this girl staring him in the face, he still refused to let her all the way in.  She knew it would take all Buffy had and more to win this fight.  She thought of the shadows of guilt and pain she always saw in his eyes and she knew Buffy could be the one to finally erase them … if only he’d let her.

“One thing about Angel,” Cordelia shrewdly surmised, “he doesn’t need help getting hurt, he does that all by himself.  I’ll bet he’s already convinced himself that he’s not good enough to be in your life.  And he’s already blamed himself for you ever having met him.”

Buffy nodded her head, eyes tearing up again thinking of Angel’s remark about demons and darkness.  His sister knew him well.  “He won’t listen.  I know he loves me.  He told me he did, but I knew even before that.  But he doesn’t think love is enough, at least not mine.”

So Buffy had issues of her own, Cordy thought.  She liked her well enough so far, but Cordy’s first concern was still Angel.  “If you want him, Buffy, then you’re gonna have to fight for him.  He’s his own worst enemy.  I know he loves you too, but it’s up to you to convince him he’s worth loving.  He’s been hurt … badly."

"You think I don't know that?  You think I haven't tried?" Buffy asked her heatedly, her eyes flashing dark green at the brunette across from her.  "Short of pounding it into him, what can I do?" she finished in desperation.

"That's just it, Buffy.  Gentle isn't going to work.  It’s going to take beating him over the head with how much you love him to get through to him.  This is Angel we're talking about and, trust me," she said thinking back over her own battles with him, "it could get a whole lot worse before it gets better.  Cocking a perfectly shaped eyebrow she asked almost as a dare, "You game?"

Buffy stared back at Angel's sister, a fiercely determined look growing in her eyes.  Taking the challenge, she declared, "I'm game.”

[end chapter 10]

Feedback to trammie

On to Chapter 11

Back to Chapter 9

Back to WtS Index