Chapter IX

Angel sat like a stone when Buffy came in the door Monday.  Quickly lowering his eyes, he pretended to read the paper he held.  He was silent as he listened to her putting her things away and setting up her laptop.  Leaving her as he did, he had to give her some kind of apology even if she wouldn’t speak to him.  The ceiling he had spent most of the night staring at hadn’t been kind enough to offer a single word of advice.  Nor had any other words come to him from anywhere else before he arrived at work.  His mouth was as parched for moisture as his mind was for what to say.  He licked his dry lips, desperate for something, anything he might tell her.  He finally braced himself with a courage he didn’t feel.  ‘Sorry’ was all he had to offer … and he was … from the depths of his soul.  She at least deserved to hear him say it.

“Buffy,” he said softly as he turned his chair towards her desk.  The sound died on his lips when he saw her face.  What pieces of his heart weren’t already broken – shattered.  It wasn’t filled with the anger he knew he deserved, but with hurt which she was trying desperately to hide.

Buffy had looked at Angel’s face when she walked past him.  Up until that moment she had held onto her anger, ready to lash out at him as soon as they met.  But he wasn’t quick enough to avert his eyes before they swept down to the paper in his hand.  He had that same little boy lost look and it tore her already shredded heart.  If it had been anyone else, she may have wondered if it was an act, but not Angel.  She could tell that if he had slept at all, it hadn’t been any better than her attempts.  Whatever his reasons for leaving after making love to her, his abrupt exit wounded him as deeply as it did her.  She knew he wasn’t aware of how he appeared because it was something he wouldn’t willingly have let her see.

That flicker of a second, looking into his eyes had exposed a tempest of longing and loneliness … and love.  It was the love that pierced her through.  It crumbled her resolve and laid her low.  If he loved her, why had he left?  She had tried to convince herself over the last two days that he didn’t love her.  Suddenly knowing she’d been right all along wounded her more fiercely in a different way.  Was it loving her that made him leave?  It brought all the fears and insecurities slamming back at her.

Angel wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and kiss away the hurt until it was healed.  What he’d done could have only caused her that much pain … if she loved him.  The revelation almost physically ripped through him with equal amounts of joy and despair.  It was unbearable.  He wanted so much to be who and what she needed.  He had been so selfish in losing control when he was with her.  But he’d never thought she felt the same way about him.  He knew she liked him, but until this moment, had never believed she could love him.  He knew she did.  He could see it in her eyes, even in the way she moved.  Now what he’d done was intolerable … and all the more reason not to be in her life.  The shattered bits of his heart felt like ground glass moving through his veins.

He was up and walking towards her before he knew he’d left his chair.  The closer he came, the more stricken she looked.  She rose as he stood before her.  They were inches apart, staring deeply into each other’s eyes.  The air was charged with the tension warring between them.  The absolute need to hold her and comfort her was almost overpowering.  She begged silently, wanting him to hold her as she had longed for since they were together.  He fought with everything within him which way to go – hold her – or hold back.  She watched the battle as it raged, waiting for the victor.  With every ounce of strength and discipline he had ever possessed, he finally broke their gaze and stepped back.  As soon as he moved, her face twisted into a mask of misery and her tears rushed her out of the room.

*****

Neither of them spoke a word to each other in the days that followed.  When Buffy came in that first morning, she planned on asking him why he never called.  Now, there was no reason for them to talk.  She avoided Willow for a few days, telling her she had things to catch up on.  Willow knew her too well to keep any secrets from her and Buffy didn’t feel like talking to her or anyone.  As hard as it was to be in the same space with Angel she endured it, finding at least his physical presence comforting.  She had become used to it.  She stayed in the office at lunchtime and went straight home after work.

Angel made himself scarce as much as he possibly could.  He left the room for breaks, trying to give her some space.  He didn’t dare look her way when he was there.  He couldn’t stand to see her in pain especially knowing he was the cause of it.  But, a small, guilty part of him was grateful she was still there in the office.  He needed to feel her near, even if it was all he could have.  He worried that she might ask to be transferred, as all his other officemates had done.  The irony didn’t escape him.  The rest had never wanted to be anywhere near him, he hadn’t even noticed them.  Now the only one who did, the only one he had ever wanted in his entire life to be near, he had turned away.

*****

Buffy could only keep Willow from knowing what happened for so long.  She gave her the barest explanation, saying she and Angel went out on a date.  She told her friend that things hadn’t worked out, her eyes pleading with Willow to just let it go.  The redhead knew, of course, that there was more, but also knew it would be no use trying to get Buffy to talk about it.  Willow often wondered what Buffy had gone through before she and her family arrived in Sunnydale.  Buffy told her about Pike and her father, but Willow guessed she left a lot out, as she was doing now.

Although Willow didn’t pry or try to draw out more than her best friend was willing to share, she did insist that Buffy spend more time with her and Tara.  Willow invited her to dinner several times, suggesting it was time for her to get to know Tara better.  Buffy finally agreed, too tired to fight her anymore.  It was as good a reason as any not to stay home and mope.

Buffy liked the quiet blonde who obviously doted on Willow.  She watched them as they did the dishes after the table was cleared.  Heads bent together, they teased and laughed happily with one another.  The affection was clearly mutual.  The face of her best friend lit up with no more than a glance from her partner.  Buffy was glad for both of them, but it made her woefully aware of how lonely she was.

She had been alone for a very long time.  Angel had filled that empty place, she thought, making her heart contract painfully.  He made her feel wanted, needed – special – something no one else had ever done.  Her feelings towards Angel had come as such a sudden shock that the idea of needing to protect her heart from him never even occurred to her.  She should have, she thought wryly.

She stayed in Willow’s dining room, putting things away, trying not to think about her love life or lack of one.  Buffy had never been seriously involved with anyone.  She had always been popular and had dated frequently, but none of the relationships had grown very deep.  There had never been anyone who touched her heart as Angel did.  Perhaps she had guarded against that kind of an attachment, shielding herself from caring too much.  Angel had been a challenge, a puzzle, not someone she ever expected to love.  That hadn’t been the plan.

But she knew protecting herself against Angel wasn’t the real problem.  It was the other way around.  She knew something in his past had devastated him and she had blindly ignored it.  She was the one who tried to force him out of his shell.  Thinking she knew what was best, she hadn’t been able to resist drawing him out.  She had only managed to make his life worse, making him retreat even more.  She had hurt him and herself.  Now he was gone, she was to blame and she didn’t even know why.  She had no right to be angry with him, yet she was.  It was all twisted and wrong and she hated herself for what she had done to both of them.

Hadn’t she done just as badly in her relationships with Pike and her father?  Hadn’t she learned she couldn’t provide whatever it was they had needed?  How foolish to expect anything had changed.  Angel leaving without a word convinced her she was right.

Buffy thanked Willow and Tara for the dinner and company.  She made her way home trying to ignore the fact that instead of the visit cheering her up, it had depressed her miserably.

After a week or so, Buffy started pulling herself together.  She was wounded more deeply than she ever had been, but knew she was the cause of her own pain.  She told herself she had to move on.  Move on, just as she’d always done in the past.  Whomever she loved would leave her, then she’d rebuild her life again with what was left.  But in this instance, she had no one to blame but herself.  She wondered if this time there was anything left to salvage.  But she forced herself anyway.

She was determined to put everything behind her, start fresh and go from there.  Forcing a smile on her face, Buffy joined the rest in the Friday night get-together.  Seeing a flyer at the grocery store, she signed up for a martial arts class just for the physical release it provided.  She continued on, pretending everything was all right in her world.

Although the chief drawback to her plan sat behind her every day, she persevered.  They’d even begun to speak to each other again, be it haltingly and only when necessary.  They were awkward around each other, never getting too close physically.  It was almost more than she could bear.  But, she refused to let her personal life interfere with her work, however painful it might be.  Moreover, in her heart she knew she couldn’t stand the thought of not at least being near him.

*****
 
Buffy had promised her best friend she would meet her at Willy’s for their regular Friday night gathering.  She hadn’t wanted to go the week before any more than she did now.  But it was better than sitting home with time she didn’t know how to fill.

She’d felt like a cardboard cutout at the pub, smiling and laughing, not meaning any of it.  She couldn’t tear her mind away from thinking of the Friday she had spent with Angel.  As much as the memory tormented her, it did just as much to soothe.  Remembering his voice and his touch still gave her a feeling of completion that she’d never experienced before.  Being jostled by a boisterous crowd only made her more keenly aware of his soft quiet manner and his absence.

She told herself she wouldn’t give in, that she’d join Willow tonight and focus on having fun.  She couldn’t keep hoping to be with Angel, she had to learn to let him go.

It was five o’clock and Buffy wasn’t staying late, she had told Willow she’d be there right after work.  She shut down her laptop, zipping it in its satchel and got her purse out of her desk drawer.  She saw Angel neatly laying things in his briefcase and snapping it shut.  He was waiting to let her go through the door first.  She started to walk past him when she felt her foot catch on a crack in the tile floor.  She had been concentrating so hard on not looking at Angel when she passed by, that it caught her off balance and she pitched forward, twisting to avoid falling.

Angel was there in an instant, his hands gently catching her close.  She ended up safely couched in his arms.  He sank to the floor, holding her in his lap.  His face was mere inches from hers and he couldn’t turn his eyes away.  She was so beautiful and she felt so right in his arms.  He could feel the energy crackling between them.  He watched her eyes grow round and fill with tears, her mouth trembling to keep from crying.

For a moment Buffy couldn’t move, she was lost in those dark, soulful eyes.  They were filled with the same intense longing and love she felt herself.  It was too much.  “I’m sorry, Angel,” she sobbed, tears spilling down from her lashes, “It was my fault.”

He winced. “No, Buffy …”  She had nothing to be sorry for.  He would catch her forever just to hold her like this.

He was right there, so achingly close, yet so far away.  She didn’t want to move, but stay right where she was.  She could smell that sweet, rich scent that was so Angel.  His large, warm hands glided up and down her back like an old habit, like he'd calmed her in the same loving way countless times.  She only wished it were true.  She knew if she didn’t get up now she would never be able to stay away from him.  If only she was what he needed, but she wasn’t.  Why couldn’t she ever be what anyone needed, especially Angel?  Instead she had made both their lives worse.

She tore herself away from him, pushing against him to find her footing and stand upright.  Looking down, unable to stop crying, she repeated, “It’s all my fault.  Everything that happened was because of me.”  With that she blindly grabbed for her purse off the floor and stumbled out the door.

Angel was so stunned he couldn’t move, could only watch her figure disappear out of sight.  He stayed there on the floor for long moments.  He stared down at his hands.  They had been filled with her only seconds ago and now they were empty ... again.  He sat back on his haunches.  “Her fault?” he exclaimed to the air around him.  How could she ever have thought what happened was her fault?  She was the only thing in the world that had ever mattered to him.  She had cared about him, gone out of her way to draw him out when no one else would come near him.  She loved him.  All he ever did in return was hurt her and the weight of the knowledge was crushing his heart.  The only thing left behind was her computer in its satchel on the floor beside him.

*****

Willow and Tara both kept looking towards the door, waiting for Buffy.  The rest of the crowd from work was already there when they arrived.  Buffy was nowhere to be seen and Willow wondered if she would even show up.  A half-hour went by before Willy called out, telling her she was wanted on the phone.  She knew it was Buffy begging off of her promise and was already listing the arguments in her head to use on her.  But once she heard Buffy’s voice thick with tears she knew she couldn’t force her to come.

“I’m sorry, Will.  I know you’re probably watching the door,” Buffy sniffed.

Willow nodded as her eyes shot to the front door, although Buffy couldn’t see her perform either act.  “Are you okay?” Willow asked.

“I-I’m just not feeling very well. I have a headache.”

“I could come over, maybe bring you something, some aspirin,” her best friend offered.

“No, don’t.  You deserve a night out.  I know you like being there.  And I think I should just lie down.”

“Buffy, if you need anything …”

“I’ll let you know, Will,” Buffy promised.  “I’m sorry I made you wait so long before I called.”

“That’s okay, but I’ll call tomorrow, just to make sure you’re all right.”

“'Kay, talk to you then.”

Willow went back to the table, sitting down heavily next to Tara.  Lost in thought she never even noticed Riley sitting nearby.

“I-is Buffy not coming?” Tara asked, already knowing the answer from the look on Willow’s face.

“No,” Willow said, speaking distantly, half-thinking out loud, “Something must have happened with Liam.”

“Angelus?” Tara queried, “Did they have another date?”  Willow had told her the week before that Buffy had gone out with Angel.  Tara knew her partner had talked to Buffy afterwards.  She got the impression from Willow that it had gone badly.

“No,” Willow said again, coming out of her reverie.  “I don’t really know.  Buffy didn’t actually mention him.  She just said she wasn’t feeling well.”  Willow said it in a way that Tara knew meant she didn’t want to discuss it any further.  Willow didn’t like to talk about her best friend’s problems even with Tara.  As close as Tara was to her, Willow was sorry she’d said anything to her about Buffy.

If Willow had turned around she would have seen Riley trying to hold down his blood pressure.  But she was still worried about Buffy and didn’t even know he was listening.  Riley had heard the few words between the two women and was still trying to process them.  Buffy went out with Psycho?  Didn’t she realize how dangerous he could be?  Riley warned her and she wouldn’t listen.  He was repulsed to think she would even consider spending any time with Angelus that wasn’t necessary.  How did Angelus manage to get her to go out on a date?  Riley knew it couldn’t have been Buffy’s idea.

No one else seemed to pick up on the serious threat Angelus presented.  Now it sounded like something had happened between them.  Riley had to make it clear to Buffy that it wasn’t safe for her to be around him.  And Riley couldn’t wait until he saw her at work.  He had to tell her now.  He made himself calm down so that no one would realize what he’d heard.  Waiting impatiently for a few minutes that seemed more like hours, he left as quietly as he could.  He didn’t want Willow or Tara to know he had overheard their discussion.  He knew Willow was very close to the petite blonde.  He wanted to talk to Buffy and didn’t want to take the chance of her friend realizing where he was going.

Spike, of course, noticed that Buffy was absent.  She didn’t make appearing there a weekly practice as religiously as some of the others.  He watched Riley leave not long after the boy arrived.  Spike thought it was odd, but he wasn’t that concerned.  He thought maybe Riley had given up staying since Buffy wasn’t there.  Or better yet, he’d given up the doe-eyed looks he’d been giving her and found someone else.  At least Spike hoped so, it seemed there were already too many men interested in her.  Spike had made it his business to follow the girl in question home one night to see where she lived.  At some point in time he hoped to visit her there himself.

He knew he’d spent way more time on this place than he should, literally months with nothing to show for it.  But during that time of watching and waiting and drinking his beer, he dwelled on all he had read about in his father’s file on the infamous Liam Angelus.  Spike’s anger and hatred of him and the impact he’d had on Spike’s life continued to grow.  Angelus was not only the cause of his sister’s death, but he’d taken Spike’s place in Daniel Holtz’ heart and still held it after all these years.  There was nothing left for Spike that Angelus hadn’t tainted.

Only two things kept him at Willy’s every Friday night.  His ever increasing desire for vengeance on Liam Angelus and his ever increasing desire for the lovely sweet thing Spike had kept his eyes on for months.

*****

A very long time after Buffy left, Angel had remained in the office.  He finally picked himself up off the floor, unconsciously stretching out the cramps in his legs as he stood up.  All he could picture were the tears streaming down her face as she ran from the room.  Falling heavily into his chair, he leaned his arms on his knees, his head and hands hanging down.  Holding her had brought back in vivid detail the night they were together.  Love had indelibly imprinted that night on his soul, from the first moment they touched until he forced himself from her bed.  ‘Love.’  Now, he thought despairingly, he knew what it was.

Helpless, he surrendered to the memories as they washed over him.  He loved her with everything in him.  He’d known it the moment she raised that beautiful little hand, calming and guiding him.  He’d felt it, burning with the same desire reflected in her eyes.  For him.  He never fathomed a feeling so idyllic could be as exquisitely real as pain.

Her lips and mouth had been so sweet, so welcoming.  His fingers traced his own lips feeling hers on them once more.  He remembered he had tried so hard those first few moments, just to taste, to be careful not to lose control.  Just to savor, not stay.  But those soft, seeking fingers and lips had burned a trail down to his neck, then his chest … and he was lost.  All thoughts of restraint vanished as he fell victim to her searing touch.  She sparked a blaze of want and need so strong it had burned around and within him.  But still he had waited, unable to believe a creature so splendid, so perfect could want him.  And then she laid her small hands on his to help him discover more of her.

He kept every touch, every sight and sound, every taste and smell that was Buffy.  His whole universe.  As he explored it, he safely stowed every movement and feeling in his soul.  She wanted him as much as everything in him screamed for her.  His mind couldn’t wrap itself around the concept and he couldn’t stay his hands or mouth any longer.

He worshipped every inch of her, taking long moments to soak every fiber of her into himself.  He covered the softness of her skin, kissing every velvety surface in his quest to know all of her.  Seeking every silken curve, every secret fold with trembling fingertips.  Yet, somehow, she felt so familiar, as if he were retracing well loved paths.  Her essence permeated him, he reveled in the taste and smell of her.  Then he finally sheathed himself deeply inside her, slowly filling her, feeling her open and draw him ever deeper.  All the while her warmth enfolded him, comforted him, enclosing him in her arms, bringing him home.  The energy he always felt at her touch flowed between them.  Waves of pure, indescribable bliss washed through him, moving him to a rapture he knew could never exist anywhere else.  And when he had called out her name, exploding with her in incomparable ecstasy, he felt how profound that love could be.

She filled his heart and soul as much as his body, completely encompassing him.  He hadn’t been able to stop making love to her again and again.

Angel pulled back in his chair, rubbing a tired hand over his eyes, trying to quell the ache rising in his chest.  He didn’t know how long he’d been there, lost in remembrances of what he knew he could never have again.  After standing up, he bent to pick up Buffy’s satchel, then reached for his own case.  He closed the door behind him, walking slowly out of the building to his car.  He didn’t even try to start it, just sat there, still in a stupor from the remembered images and from Buffy’s last words.

All this time he thought she knew.  He was the reason he never dared stay with her ... when that’s all his heart and soul cried out for him to do.  How could she even think she was to blame?  She was perfect, was everything he had been dreaming of for months.  She was never out of his thoughts for a second.  God, he loved her!  He felt his heart wrench even more.

If it weren’t for him none of this would ever have happened.  Now he thought of the look in her eyes and it crushed him.  Even when he tried to do what was best for her, he kept hurting her.  And he hadn’t even known just how badly until this moment.  He knew he couldn’t be with her.  He had nothing to give her except his love and that wasn’t enough.  She deserved so much more.  But he couldn’t let her think any of this was her doing, he had to make that clear to her.  His gaze fell on her satchel.  Starting the car, he put it in reverse, backing out, then turning it towards her apartment.  He wasn’t going to let her think a moment longer that she had ever done anything wrong.

*****

Buffy hung up the phone from Willow.  She glanced at the kitchen, but her stomach lurched at the thought of food.  Collapsing on the couch she laid her head on the arm of it and closed her eyes, feeling exhausted.  Taking a shower and changing seemed like such a long process, even the small act of walking as far as the bedroom.  She couldn’t stop the tears that she’d been holding back.  Too numb from the unexpected crush of being in Angel’s arms, she couldn’t force herself to even search for tissues.  Tugging at the corner of the scarf she was wearing, she dried them as they seeped from beneath her closed lids.  She knew if she had a mirror it would show swollen, red-rimmed eyes.  It made her wonder briefly … there had to be a tear limit somewhere, didn’t there?

She had no idea how long she’d been curled into the cushions when she heard a knock at her door.  She couldn’t imagine who was there, but wasn’t in the mood to see anyone.  With a sigh of tired resignation she opened the door to find Riley.

“Buffy,” Riley said, moving through the door without waiting for an invitation.  He grabbed her by the arms looking her over closely.  “Did he hurt you?”

“Did who hurt me?” she asked, pulling her arms out of his grasp and backing away from him.

“Angelus!” Riley stated flatly.  He moved towards her, holding his hands up as if to calm her.  “I know he hurt you.  I tried to warn you but you wouldn’t listen.”

Buffy looked at him incredulously, still backing away while she tried to figure out what he was talking about.  “Why would you think he hurt me?”

“I can see you’ve been crying, Buffy, you can’t hide it.  I just want to know what he did and I’ll take care of him for you.”  He tried to lower his voice, trying to keep himself in check.  He just wanted to comfort her and she kept moving away like he was the bad guy.  ‘What did Angelus do to her?’

“Take care …” she fumbled with his words.  “Riley, I don’t know what you think happened, but Angel would never lay a finger on me.  Who have you been talking to?”  She couldn’t imagine where he got the idea that Angel had harmed her.

“Angel!” Riley exclaimed. “That’s what he told you to call him?  He’s sick, Buffy.  I know he’s done something to you.  Why won’t you tell me?  I’m only trying to help.”  All the time he’d been trying to get closer to her she had continued to move back until she felt the wall behind her.  Riley was standing directly in front of her.

“Riley!” she yelled at him, putting her hands on his chest to keep him away. “I already told you.  He would never hurt me.  I appreciate your concern, but it’s none of your business.  Please leave!”  With that she pushed him, trying to get herself away from the wall.

“No, Buffy!” he said, frustrated in his attempts to make her realize the danger.  He hovered over her, refusing to move.  “Just listen …”

They both heard the door open and crack against the wall behind them.  Before Riley could turn his head, he heard a deep, voice growl menacingly, “She told you to leave her alone, boy!”

Riley was picked up by scruff of his neck, dragged across the room and tossed, like a rag doll, into the hall.  His head hit the wall, leaving him stunned.

Buffy blinked her eyes as Riley landed outside her door and Angel turned, pulling her close.  She could hear his heart pounding madly against her ear as his arms pressed her tightly against his chest.  She instinctively leaned into his embrace.

“Did he hurt you?” Angel asked anxiously as he pulled back, his eyes wildly scanning every inch of her.

“N-no ... I’m all … Angel!” she broke off and suddenly cried his name as she saw Riley come back through the door.

Riley staggered towards Angel, raising his fist unsteadily, still dazed.  Angel pivoted around, shielding Buffy behind him.  Riley came at him throwing a wild punch with his right hand, which Angel easily blocked with his left as he finished turning.  Buffy watched, moving to the side, as Angel’s other arm pulled back and his fist shot into Riley’s face.  She heard the bones crack and saw blood spurt from Riley’s nose as his head glanced back from the blow.

“How dare you touch her!”  Angel growled at him again.  More concerned with Buffy, Angel turned to her once more, gently pushing her back into the safety of the kitchen.

Riley reflexively ran his fingers over his nose as he regained his balance.  His face contorting in anger, he ground out, “You’re the one who shouldn’t be touching her.”

He came up behind Angel, pulling him back with his hands on both of his shoulders.  Angel threw his weight back on his left leg, then pitched it forward as he swung his right foot around.  The move forced Riley back.  The momentum in Angel’s body as he twisted to face him was enough to send his fist plunging deep into Riley’s stomach.  Riley folded and fell to the floor on his side.

Angel’s glance hurried back to Buffy.  She was leaning against the counter, her eyes wide with shock.  He heard Riley stir.  Before Riley could get up, Angel grabbed him by his collar and ejected him through the open door.  As Riley tried to crawl away, Angel hauled him up, choking Riley’s jacket around his throat.

“Don’t even think about coming near her again. Ever!”  Angel snarled as he half-dragged, half-carried the larger man down the hall.  He deposited him in a heap on the lawn.  Angel’s muscles were tensed, ready to spring.  He wanted Riley to give him a reason to hurt him.  If Riley had left even one mark on Buffy he’d kill him.

“I only came here to warn her about you.  You’re the one who needs to stay away from her,” Riley told him as he dragged himself to his feet to face him.  He could see the feral look in Angel’s eye.  Riley knew how dangerous the man was.  He watched Angel move with the grace of a big cat, ready to pounce on its prey.

“Is that how you warn someone, Finn?  Force them against their will?  Even when they scream, ‘no’ you don’t stop?”  Angel queried in an ominous voice as he continued around him.  “Or are you still playing games?”

“Don’t try to make it about me, Angelus.  She was crying before I got here.  I know you’re the reason.”  Riley wasn’t going to let Angelus turn things around.  He knew the man before him had done something to Buffy and he meant to find out.

“I would never harm her!” Angel growled, closing the space between them.

Riley kept turning to keep Angel in his view.  “What did you do to her?  Why was she crying?”

“It doesn’t concern you.  She told you to leave.”  Angel bit out.  He’d had enough of Finn fucking with his life.  Angel didn’t want him anywhere near Buffy again, ever.

“Did you lose control with her like this?  Is that why she was crying?”  Riley asked, his voice rising.  “I didn’t see any storm.  Do you lose it without one now?”

Angel snapped.  Riley thought he had been ready for him, but Angel leapt, knocking him down with a flying kick before he could move.  Angel landed straddling Riley’s chest, raining blows down on him blindly.  Riley fought to keep the fists from flying at him.

“Angel!”  Buffy yelled from the door.  She had been so shocked she felt rooted to the kitchen floor until she heard Angel dragging Riley outside.  Everything happened so fast, she was unable to react.  When she ran down the hall and reached the door she heard Riley taunting Angel.  She saw Angel kick Riley to the ground.  Riley’s face was bruised and bloodied as Angel’s fists pounded him in a flurry of movement.  She knew it wouldn’t take much for Angel to finish what he had started.  “Angel!” she yelled more loudly and ran to pull him back.

At Buffy's touch on his shoulder, Angel stopped.  He pushed his hands hard onto Riley’s chest to raise himself up.  He stood up and backed away a few feet, never taking his eyes off his adversary.  Angel stared down at him, breathing heavily, anger and hatred flashing in his eyes.  Buffy stepped between them as she watched Riley shake his head and roll over to his knees, then push up from the ground.

Riley looked at her in shock as she moved away from him and back towards Angel. “You’re protecting him?” he shouted.

She looked at him in disbelief, feeling the anger rolling off Angel, inches behind her.  “No, Riley,” she enunciated clearly, “I’m protecting you!”

“Protec …” he sputtered.  “You saw what he can do and you’re not afraid?”

“I told you,” Angel blazed, “I’d never hurt her!”  He knew Riley was no threat, but he moved forward, until Buffy was safe against his chest.  He couldn’t stop as he circled his arms around her waist, drawing her closer.  “If you want to live,” he rumbled at Riley, “get gone!”

Buffy felt the power humming through Angel’s body.  She turned in his arms and raised her hand to his face.  Looking up at him, she said quietly, “Please, Angel.  There was never any doubt.  You could never harm me.”  He looked down at the trust shining in her eyes.  After a few seconds she felt the tension ease and the fight go out of him.  She twisted around as Angel kept her in his embrace.  She looked at the man before them and said, “Please leave, Riley.”

Riley still couldn’t believe what he saw.  “Buffy!  You don’t know about him, he …”

“Riley!” she raised her hand to a stop.  “Enough!  I told you, it’s none of your business.  I want you to leave.”

Riley shook his head.

She cut him off as he opened his mouth to speak.  “I won’t call the police, Riley, but if you don’t go, I’ll report what happened to Walsh,” she said quietly.

Riley stood staring at her, blood dripping down from his face.  He finally made a sound of disgust, gave both of them one last look and limped dejectedly off to his car.

The two stood there as if molded into one.  Neither wanted to move.  Buffy let her head rest against Angel’s chest, feeling his arms tighten around her.  She was content to revel in the feel of him surrounding her.  Nothing could ever harm her there.  There was no place, no place like Angel’s love.  Angel was still working through the instant panic he had felt at seeing her in jeopardy.  She was safe now … and she felt so perfect there, fitting as though she were a missing piece of him.  ‘How can I ever leave her?’  He tried to swallow the lump that felt like a rock lodged in his throat.

Looking down at his hands, she finally moved, pulling them up for examination.  “I need to clean these cuts,” she told him.  Keeping his hands in her grasp, she gave him a soft tug towards the apartment.

He didn’t argue with her, but followed quietly behind.  The adrenaline was still pumping through him, although his anger had melted away with her look.  He saw her satchel lying on the hallway carpet near her door, where he had dropped it.  Picking it up, he laid it on the table by the couch, then went back to check the lock on her door.  The force he used flinging the door open hadn’t damaged it.

Angel had driven to where she lived.  Parking the car he had grabbed her satchel and walked into the building, to her apartment.  He heard the voices before he reached her door.  All he needed to hear was Buffy shouting at Riley to leave and Riley’s, ‘No’ before he kicked in the partially opened door.  He had gone mad with rage at the sight of Buffy pinned against the wall with Riley bent over her, inches away.  Some part of his brain registered that she could protect herself, but the idea of her in any danger had terrified him beyond lucid thought.  He’d grabbed Riley on pure instinct to keep her from harm.  Angel would do anything it took to protect her.  It frightened him now to realize how far he knew he would go.

Buffy shook her head as she looked from the door to him and saw him start to say something.  She knew he was going to blame himself for everything.  “No, Angel, don’t be sorry,” she said, “You didn’t know what was happening. But I’m glad you came.”  She went into the bathroom as she spoke, returning with a first aid kit.

“What was happening?” he asked.  He hadn’t given it any thought until now.  She didn’t care for Riley, so what was he doing there?  He knew she hadn’t invited him.

Pushing him gently down to the couch, she opened the kit and reached for his hands.  She answered as she dabbed the wounds with cotton, “He came to warn me about you.  He thought you had hurt me.”  As Angel tried to pull his hands back at her words, she held them more firmly.  “I already told you, I know you’d never do that.”

Angel’s knuckles had taken the worst of the punishment, or rather they’d doled it out.  His left hand had just a few scrapes. The right one though had a fairly deep cut, probably from where it connected with a nose that was now broken.

The wound was a little above the scar that still showed traces of purple and blue after all this time.  Buffy made a soft smiley sniffle, as she thought of the very first time that she had seen Angel and his mangled bandaging.  She’d had such an overpowering urge at the sight of his handiwork to fix it for him, to make it all better.  She was caring for him now as she had seen herself doing all those months ago.

She didn’t know Angel was remembering exactly the same thing.  He was mesmerized watching her real flesh and blood hands tending him now instead of just imagining it.  She held the gauze in place as she gently laid the tape around the edges.  She bent over, so intent on her task she didn’t feel Angel, unable to deny himself, press a gentle kiss in her hair.

When she was done she looked at him with such love and tenderness it nearly broke him.  His pulse was still racing.  Being this close to her made it hard to keep his emotions in check.  He loved the feel of her hands on him.  He never wanted her to stop touching him.

And he didn’t want to hurt her anymore, didn’t want to have the conversation that was inevitable.  He waited a few more minutes, trying to calm down.  He didn’t know how he was going to tell her not to love him when he knew he could never stop loving her.  But he had to, he knew he wasn’t worth it.  Look how much pain he’d already brought her after only one night together.  A night he would never take back, the only thing he would have left of her.  He stayed quiet long moments after she finished dressing his wounds.  He finally brought both her hands together and held them inside his own.

“I hurt you, Buffy,” he said softly, his head bowed down over their hands.  “You should have listened to him.”

Buffy could tell by the tone that she didn’t want to hear anything more he was going to tell her.  She had felt the emotions coursing through him when he held her.  She’d waited so long for him to hold her again.  Startled as she was when he materialized clutching her to him, he made her feel so safe, so grounded.  It felt right.  When he’d burst through the door, she had been shocked at the depth of his rage.  She was sure she would have been able to take care of Riley herself, but to see Angel charging to her defense had made her shiver with his fury.  She knew it had all been for her.  One look at the frenzied wrath written on his face had made her fear for Riley's life.  In Angel’s eyes, she could see the threat of death to anyone who would dare harm her and it shook her to her core to see how much he loved her.  This wasn’t the quiet, reserved Angel who shared her office with barely a word or gesture to anyone.  But she understood instantly what a force he must have been to reckon with when he was an agent.

When he’d pulled her against him outside on the lawn, she still hadn’t had time to wonder how he had suddenly appeared.  Or ask what had brought him there the moment she needed him.  She had just wanted to stay there … forever.

Leading him back inside after Riley was gone, she hoped Angel had come to apologize for leaving her and for staying away.  When she looked in his eyes at the office she couldn’t stop herself from telling him the truth.  She wanted him to tell her that she was wrong, that her love was enough to overcome what had stopped him.  That he wasn’t keeping himself away because she couldn’t help him enough, that she wasn’t enough.  She hoped he had come to share what it was that made him leave her that night.  Just as her heart had started to beat again, she could feel it slowing down, thudding against her breast, not wanting him to go any further.

“Riley didn’t know what he was talking about.  He thought I had bruises.”  She tried to fend him off, trying but failing miserably to think of a way to keep him from continuing.

He finally looked up, dark, troubled eyes piercing into hers.  “Just because the bruises don’t show, doesn’t mean they aren’t there,” he said gently.  “I’ve hurt you ever since I met you.  I’ve never done anything but bring others pain.  I didn’t … don’t want to do that to you.”

“No, Angel,” she denied, grasping his fingers tightly.  “It’s only painful when you’re not there.  It hurts when you won’t tell me what’s wrong.”

He shook his head slowly.  “You and me being together is unfair to you.  You deserve something outside my demons and darkness.”  He hung his head, closing his eyes to the image of her being with anyone else, but made himself finish.  “You should be with someone who can be with you in the light.  Someone to make love to you.”

“You made love to me, Angel!” she cried, not able to stem the flood as tears suddenly washed out of her eyes.  Her hands flew to his shoulders, shaking them gently.  “It was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.  I never knew until then that I didn’t know what making love was, not until I was with you.  It’s my fault you left.”

Raising his head at the desperate sound in her voice, he was astonished and humbled by her guileless admission.  His bandaged hand found her cheek, the pad of his thumb erasing her tears.

Her eyes were huge, round pools of salty green.  “Please, Buffy,” he whispered hoarsely as he drowned in them, “I never had anything as precious as you in my life.”  He brushed back strands of hair, silken against his fingers.  “It was beautiful.  I’ll never be sorry for that night, except for what it’s done to you now.  Look at how much I’m still hurting you.”  Lifting his other hand to cradle her face, drying the rest of her tears as he stroked it, he held her gaze.  “It’s not you who’s at fault.  It’s me.  Please, never, ever think it’s anything you’ve done.”

“Don’t you see, Angel,” she begged him, trying to make him understand.  She reached up tracing her finger down his face.  “It is me.  It’s what I haven’t done …”

“No!” he admonished her, “You’re perfect!” tilting her face gently, “You’re everything I could ever want.  I’ve never known anyone or anything as wondrous as you.  You’re the most amazing thing to ever happen to me.”  He’d promised himself he wouldn’t get too close again, but he couldn’t bear to see her grief.  He dropped his hands to pull her against his chest, wrapping his arms around her tightly.  His lips brushed the top of her head.  “I love you, Buffy.”  He sighed, resting his head lightly on hers, and just sat there, holding her.  He shouldn’t have told her, even though she already knew.  All this would only make it harder for both of them, but he was helpless to move.  After long, heartbreaking moments he tried to explain.  “I’m trying to do what’s right.  I’m trying to think with my head, not my heart,” he whispered fervently.

“But what about my heart, Angel?” she broke in and pulled away.  Leaning her head back to make him look at her, “I love you,” she said passionately.  “Do you think I have a choice in it?  Do you think I can just turn it off?  I’m never going to change. I can’t change.”

“You have to find a way to do just that, Buffy,” Angel told her, gazing down at her sadly.  “This can’t work with us.  Loving me won’t ever be something good for you.  I’ve never been any good for anyone.  There’s so much about me you don’t know.  Whoever you think I am, I’m not and never can be.  You deserve someone else so much better for you than I am capable of being.  I can only drag you down.  I won’t let you waste yourself with me.”

“I want my life to be with you,” she made one last plea, trying to hold onto his arms as she felt him pull away.

He cringed, hearing the same desperation that had been in his own voice as she echoed his words.  He gently caught her slender hands and held them once more in his bruised ones.  He hated to say it.  It sliced through him to even think it, but it was for her.  It was she who was important.  He had to let her go.  He couldn’t keep her in the half-life he led.  He finally dropped her hands and moved back.

“I don’t,” he told her as he got to his feet.  He looked down at her one last time, then walked to the door and quietly let himself out.

Buffy couldn’t stop sobbing after he left.  She felt like she had been so close.  He had finally told her he loved her … and then walked out her door.

[end chapter 9]

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